I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
