Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
