I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
