Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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