This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
