"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
