Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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