Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
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She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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