Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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