i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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