We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
