Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
