Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
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