Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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