How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
