all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
