Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
