Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
