I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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