I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
