you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
