Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
