I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
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He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
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we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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