Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.