I wanna eat
then eat your cupcake
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.