im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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