He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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