so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Your penis caused this!
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