everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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