you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
