my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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