i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i believe in u and ur pee
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