Swine flu. Run for my life!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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