so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
