How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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