I can tuck mytits in my pants
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize