Your face is a jimmy john
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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