Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
