Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
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I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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