while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
