omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.