i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on