You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.