i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My feet surprised me
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