He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
