He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
