my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
