There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
