Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The police scanner is talking about you again....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
