tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You've changed since you got that strap on
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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