I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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