i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
