Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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