It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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