I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
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You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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