I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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