Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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