I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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