is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
