dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
